I wish I wasn't affected by it. Everything I haven't done in my life, I want to do. Whether this non-accomplishment is good, bad, weird, obscure, or normal, I want to accomplish it. My daydreams aren't filled with boys, they're filled with the peaks of accomplishments. I imagine that I'm on top of the world - that I've hiked Everest. I dream that I'm a famous movie star or a PRINCESS.
I'm too much of a coward to ever try any of things, but I do try more realistic things. I dress crazy, speak my mind, and am "who I am"
But I've realized something. I can learn what it's like to "stand up for yourself" and make out and do things without caring for the person I'm with. But along this path, I've forgotten something very important that I can no longer accomplish. Innocence. No longer do I blush with confusion at an innuendo. I can barely count all of the boys I've swapped spit with one both of my hands. I can't undo getting oral sex before receiving my first kiss (even if the former wasn't quite consensual). (Yes, that's right, to clarify, my one "experience" of oral sex was against my will)
Sometimes, I wish I could be myself. It's not that I'm AFRAID to be who I really am, but really, it's that I don't know who I am at all. I can't "be myself" if I'm just a mystery to my own mind.
But, to say it simply, I don't know who I am.
I know that I'm a person aging out of innocence and hiking into adulthood. I've made my MISTAKES, but those are my lessons. I don't know what the future will bring, but I hope it brings me more happiness.
